When there are too many “Whys”


Today I just could not make myself go. I have a new book to read and all I’ve wanted to do is escape into another world because I feel pressed in on all sides here and it honestly feels like there’s nothing that can “go” off of my plate at the moment, yet I’ve no idea how to do it all.

Even now as I type at 9:00 P.M. small people keep wandering in… I’m coughing, I can’t sleep can you put lavender oil on my wrists, do you like the green ninja suit I drew a picture of, isn’t Big Hero 6 awesome? And really, I just sort of want to scream. And I know that’s not very nice. Or motherly. But there it is. Because it’s BEDTIME for Pete’s sake!

And today I had typed up a whole post about our journey home and how it’s been to transition back and then thought…”Who really cares?” So I hit pause and went about my day just sort of making it through and letting dinner be delivered and realized that the two-year old picky eater never eats vegetables.

So then I felt guilt and worry that he’s headed straight for stunted growth and anemia. Because you simply have to eat vegetables!!!

And all day there’s been this sort of internal monologue about why in the world am I trying to home school our six-year-old who needs special attention when I have two other littles at home too? Why am I trying to give the women of Zakhira slum hope and provide jobs when it all feels like a ton of work and who cares about what we’re trying to do anyway and I feel inadequate to the task most of the time? Why do I try to peck out coherent thoughts on the blog… on any blog? Why am I beating myself up all day about how I have too much to do, not enough time and does any of it really even matter anyway?

So you see it hasn’t been the best day. I’ve been trying to fight this mood, but I’m even too tired for reasoning with myself or sorting it out.

I’ve wrestled with the fact that I am one person with a ton of responsibilities and I feel like I keep falling short. And in the midst of this God knows all I have–he gave all of it to me, I believe. So why can’t I do it all the way I want to? Why do I feel like I have to be a machine and tackle one thing, then move quickly to the next until bed time, then wake up and crank myself up again?

Why is there a party right across the street with really loud drums and men dancing and strange songs blaring  into all the neighborhood and will probably go on all.night.long?


And in the midst of this God keeps telling me to rest in Him, but I don’t even know how to slow down enough to rest; to let balls fall all around me and not feel guilty about it. How to do it all AND be balanced.

Sometimes I just don’t know how to live this life I’ve been given and I’m glad there’s grace enough for the questions and the bad days.

So tonight I’m just putting it all out there. Not because I have a neat bow that will tie all this up or I’ve had some great epiphany. This is just the raw me today.

Because it’s what I got.

Along with new mosquito wands– which are grand. That’s my new favorite word: Grand.

So I’m sorry to go all James Joyce stream of consciousness on you all tonight.

Now to go watch the crazy drama that is on the street below and hope that tomorrow is a little less foggy and my heart is a bit lighter.


7 thoughts on “When there are too many “Whys””

  • Hi Kim,

    Thanks for your honesty. I found your blog through Velvet Ashes. I know you have not had much time or space but I was wondering if you have been able to see their recent theme on release or catch any if the retreat at the weekend? It covered issues like trying to do it all or live up to expectations (whether from ourselves or others).

    I live in Bangalore but am currently visiting family in England. I will remember you in prayer tonight.

    • Hi Vivienne-
      I did participate in the retreat this weekend and had a great time with the Lord, which could be why I felt so overwhelmed and ambushed yesterday. I DO have so many expectations on myself right now (I won’t begin to think of all the ones others have of me). It’s hard to know how to let go and what to let go of, no? Thanks for the prayers and enjoy your time with family–England is my favorite!

  • Hey Kim, I pray God will show you what is really important and help you to let go of the things that are not meant for you to do right now, even though they may be good things. Somehow change is coming, He knows your heart and your struggles. I love you, and God loves you even more . Mom

  • Hi, Thanks for sharing the raw moments. We met once a long time ago when we both hadn’t married and didn’t have kids. Aunt Sandy reposted your blog on facebook. I lead a ministry here in the United States for foster and adoptive families and we have a family of seven too but sometimes it grows and last month we had an additional two, yeah 7 kids was super hard… But really I just want to say that I have been and still wrestle with being just where you are. The homeschool and everything. We have a special needs daughter and one who eats no protein (why?!?) I think that the enemy would love to disqualify me from ministry through my own thoughts and insecurities. So I am praying for you. I’m adding you to my daily list over there doing the hard work on the other side of the world.

    • Thanks, Karen, for writing. I definitely remember being in CA and meeting you all! Thanks for adding me to your list. It is a hard season, to be sure. And I know you know exactly how it feels when you get to what feels like the end of your mental and physical strength. I’ve been praying more and trying to take time during the day, small bits here and there, to rest a little. I’ll be praying for you as well because I know that the battle we face is definitely not one we can always see.

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