When there are too many “Whys”
Today I just could not make myself go. I have a new book to read and all I’ve wanted to do is escape into another world because I feel pressed in on all sides here and it honestly feels like there’s nothing that can “go” off of my plate at the moment, yet I’ve no idea how to do it all.
Even now as I type at 9:00 P.M. small people keep wandering in… I’m coughing, I can’t sleep can you put lavender oil on my wrists, do you like the green ninja suit I drew a picture of, isn’t Big Hero 6 awesome? And really, I just sort of want to scream. And I know that’s not very nice. Or motherly. But there it is. Because it’s BEDTIME for Pete’s sake!
And today I had typed up a whole post about our journey home and how it’s been to transition back and then thought…”Who really cares?” So I hit pause and went about my day just sort of making it through and letting dinner be delivered and realized that the two-year old picky eater never eats vegetables.
So then I felt guilt and worry that he’s headed straight for stunted growth and anemia. Because you simply have to eat vegetables!!!
And all day there’s been this sort of internal monologue about why in the world am I trying to home school our six-year-old who needs special attention when I have two other littles at home too? Why am I trying to give the women of Zakhira slum hope and provide jobs when it all feels like a ton of work and who cares about what we’re trying to do anyway and I feel inadequate to the task most of the time? Why do I try to peck out coherent thoughts on the blog… on any blog? Why am I beating myself up all day about how I have too much to do, not enough time and does any of it really even matter anyway?
So you see it hasn’t been the best day. I’ve been trying to fight this mood, but I’m even too tired for reasoning with myself or sorting it out.
I’ve wrestled with the fact that I am one person with a ton of responsibilities and I feel like I keep falling short. And in the midst of this God knows all I have–he gave all of it to me, I believe. So why can’t I do it all the way I want to? Why do I feel like I have to be a machine and tackle one thing, then move quickly to the next until bed time, then wake up and crank myself up again?
Why is there a party right across the street with really loud drums and men dancing and strange songs blaring into all the neighborhood and will probably go on all.night.long?
And in the midst of this God keeps telling me to rest in Him, but I don’t even know how to slow down enough to rest; to let balls fall all around me and not feel guilty about it. How to do it all AND be balanced.
Sometimes I just don’t know how to live this life I’ve been given and I’m glad there’s grace enough for the questions and the bad days.
So tonight I’m just putting it all out there. Not because I have a neat bow that will tie all this up or I’ve had some great epiphany. This is just the raw me today.
Because it’s what I got.
Along with new mosquito wands– which are grand. That’s my new favorite word: Grand.
So I’m sorry to go all James Joyce stream of consciousness on you all tonight.
Now to go watch the crazy drama that is on the street below and hope that tomorrow is a little less foggy and my heart is a bit lighter.