The exciting (and slightly overwhelming) thing is we are moving… again! This time to a new city (Charlotte) so my husband can take a ministry job doing all the things he loves. We are only going to be four hours away from family, and we are excited about the move and what it could mean to our family– a season of settling down and sinking in deep– but we are still facing another significant change only a short while after several other changes in our lives. And to tell you honestly, I am a bit raw and already grieving the losses as I look at a handful of good things that happened while we were here during this season.
As someone who has gone through a number of transitions over the past 10 years, I know the settling into a new place will take time. Building relationships, setting up house, finding the grocery stores I like, etc., all of these things will take time. But because we are excited about the move, I’m hoping this will make it easier to navigate.
But there is also another side to all this change. The reality that I am one person with limited capabilities and time and energy. That there needs to be some margin carved into my life of I’m going to burn out on all the good things.
As the months have ticked by and my stamina seemed to have waned, I decided that I needed to say no to some things. Good things, for sure, but in my season as a mother of five children 12 and under, the pressures began to pile up and I’ve felt, as Bilbo Baggins says, “Sort of stretched, like too little butter scraped over too much bread.” And so I made the decision that I needed to step back from IndiAanya and see what might happen.
So I did. A little. And there were others to fill in the gaps. But there is still more stepping back to be done to make way for the new things God is putting before me and my family this next season. Saying no to something I’ve created and still feel passionate about is hard. So very hard. And there’s no guarantee anyone will pick up my pieces. And I have to be ok with that, even though that’s hard, too.
But God has given us these wonderful children, and a business to run, and a marriage to maintain. All of these take a great deal of work, too. And if I’m honest I’ll tell you that I haven’t done anything particularly well in a long time. I have managed, but I have not thrived. And I’m tired of simply managing. Well, really, I’m tired.
When I look back on the past year, I’m afraid to say this will be known as the season of losses, of transitions, and of goodbyes. And it kinda hurts in a lot of ways right now because there is almost too much to process. And too much to pack… especially when I just unpacked it all in December.
So there has been much seeking the Lord in the gaps and spaces of quiet, and sometimes in the not-so-quiet. There have been tears and flutters of anticipation mixed with the feeling of let’s just get on with things. Being half melancholy and half choleric works like that at times.
I know our time here has not been wasted, even though it hasn’t gone as I imagined it would. That we were able to be here when my family went through our greatest loss yet. That the place we’ve been in has somehow brought us a measure of healing and calm because we have been able to enjoy the outdoors and watch the seasons change in a beautiful setting and be near family. And we have been forced to take time to heal where otherwise we would have just jumped into the next thing if it had been available at the time.
This space will most likely continue to be sporadically maintained. There seems to be so much more to do in a day than there is time for and writing has been put in last place.
At least for now.