On Being Small
It has been an interesting few days. And by interesting I mean weird, unsettling and eyeopening in hard ways.
I have wrestled with the new normal of American life that everyone here is “busy” and to be a part of people’s lives plans have to be made months in advance. And how this doesn’t seem to be connecting people more, but keeping them even more isolated as they run around from good thing to good thing filling in gaps with Facebook or Instagram posts along the way.
I have allowed someone’s negative opinion about me get under my skin and wrestled with the truth that people believe too much of what they hear without considering the source.
And I have felt small. So very, very small. I have felt the enemy creep up on me big time telling me my work doesn’t matter and that my life is too small to count. And that the world isn’t interested in my small work, women, poverty or anything that is on the fringes. That this world is only interested in BIG things that are flashy, provocative and screaming for attention.
And I’ve always found it deeply ironic that God chose to use someone who prefers quiet introspection and long-talks over coffee, to lead a business that sells something. By nature, talking about myself and products and this sort of hustle does not come easily. Not because I don’t value these things or believe in them, but because I never want people to think I have wrong motives–that I’m a salesperson first. I have been self-conscious of this my entire life– at times, pridefully so if I’m honest. In my head I know there is a time to promote the things we are passionate about, things that are good. It’s simply difficult for me to walk this line.
So I’m struggling to find my way here.
How to not get caught up in the busy that makes others feel small; how to live a life that feels authentic and real and full, and has space for interruptions and small-living; how to not feel that smallness is a liability in a culture that says it is; how to communicate with people who have so much, still want more and are seemingly never satisfied; how to share this story of hope, life-change and empowerment in a way that connects women all over the world as those who have voices speak for those who don’t and give them hope.
There’s been a lot rattling around lately as you can see.
And at the heart of all this, I know I really need own the truth that I am complete–even if I am small– because Christ says so. Not because people have time for me or don’t, and not because I fail or succeed in business, or people say things about me to others.
I am complete because Christ says I am.
And I wonder if we all owned our completeness in Christ and lived in light of this how different our communities, our world would be.
And maybe I’m not the only one who struggles with these thoughts on a Thursday morning.
With feeling small.
With feeling unknown.
With feeling not enough.
And I wish that by the end of this post I could tie things up with a bright red ribbon, but I think I’m going to have to sit in this for a while until the truth roots deep in my heart.
For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body.b
So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority. (Col. 2:9-10)