So much on my mind lately. People, places, the church and the state of my soul in general. It’s felt like there’s been so little room in my brain to create freely, it’s been all production and deadlines and hard things. No time for wistful pondering, deep-breathing and savoring.
This is definitely not the season of savoring, but I hope it’s coming soon. And doesn’t it just feel like that? That no matter how much we tell ourselves to savor each moment, some moments we simply want to see move along. Quickly. The way you become weary of summer after so long and yearn for autumn. It’s only July, but by August we all start dreaming of cooler temperatures and pumpkin bread…and lattes.
But not now. There’s too much on the inside churning around and it’s still too hot to dream of sitting by a warm fire sipping lattes.
For example, one of our workers has an abusive husband and he keeps her from working sometimes because they have a huge fight and he hits her. There’s no calling the police; there’s no system by which I can waltz into the slum and give him a piece of my mind, not that there’s much left there anyway. But boy would I like to. I know. I have a temper when it comes to seeing women abused and treated badly when it’s not in their power to fight back. I start feeling all Maureen O’Hara in a John Wayne movie. Oh how I love her!
When women are afraid of what society will think of them for speaking out on their own behalf, this pricks my heart. And lights a fire in me, a sort of low smolder, if you will. And I’ve noticed that our smolders that come from deep within us usually rub up against the status quo. But if you’re like me, you like to chuck the status quo and go with your gut and let the chips fall where they may and think about it later. (Was that enough cliches for you? It’s late and it’s all I got).
As we come upon 5 years I would love to say I have more peace, more joy, more optimism. I do have more peace, but it’s not because things have gotten easier; I do have more joy, but not because circumstances have become lighter–in many ways they are as hard as ever; and as for optimism…well, I think that’s a lost cause, but I do have a deeper need to cling to hope than ever before.
And back to the smolder… I like to think change is waiting in the wings here for women. I know a bunch of great ladies here think it is, but as they say, let’s see because it will take some time (the ambiguous Indian response when no one wants to tell you how very looooong something will actually take). I love it.
Five years is a good chunk of time to stay somewhere, and I feel like I’ve learned so much…but I know I’ve barely scratched the surface. But India has left a scratch or two on me. And I never thought I’d be grateful, but I am.
And it only took 5 years.