We have all been sleeping in the same room. Seven of us. In the same room. Y’all. Our AC’s have all run out of gas except for two and because we know we are leaving we refuse to have them fixed for a few weeks. So, we either stay in the living room or the one bedroom that is cold and not 101 degrees, which is what it is right now. The coffee pot has also been claimed, so clearly it is time to move and it may be the longest week of our lives.
So we’re indoor camping… huddled up on beds and pallets and hoping Baby H sleeps through the night. He usually does unless I forget his mosquito net and they bite him. Which they did last night. Nope, not going to miss that. Or my daily ant battles. Let’s say I’m definitely looking forward to relinquishing my pest-control duties for a while.
Moving. It’s hard on everyone regardless of distance. Our distance just happens to be the other side of the world and there just happens to be seven people to relocate. Seven hearts all dealing with things in unique ways. Seven bodies doing and needing seven different things. On a normal day it’s exhausting. Add in itemizing ever piece to be shipped and cleaning out five-years worth of junk and you may have a very tired and somewhat irritable mom.
Like today. Feeling sluggish, and not rested at all I trudged out of bed and to my normal lunch-making duties. Kissed the boys as they left for school and sighed deeply as I had to enter one of our hot rooms to finish off my packing (it still didn’t get finished). Earlier in the week we found, in the midst of packing, my long-lost iPod. I decided to charge it up and drown out the world while I sorted stacks of medical records, birthday cards and medicines and made a mental note to never let things get like this again. I also made another note about unrealistic expectations.
With everything going on, I’ve felt on edge for days. My soul has felt restless and exhausted from the continual loss. That’s what you don’t realize until you experience it. Everything we sell or donate is a loss. S is only two, but when someone came to take daddy’s desk he had a meltdown. He can’t understand why people are coming to take our things. He just thinks we are losing them to a bunch of random people. And it’s not just the loss of stuff. Next week is going to be hard. At two he can’t understand that the lady he hugs every day before she leaves to go home (our house-helper) won’t be part of his world anymore in a week’s time. There will be tears on that goodbye from both sides. Tissues ready.
I haven’t updated our music in so long, it’s embarrassing. But a song came on by Tenth Avenue North called By Your Side and as it played I was in tears. I have had so little space for thinking or processing…it’s been all doing and trying to check things off the list, collapsing in bed and getting up to do it again. I don’t do well like that for very long. I need quiet time to reflect, to listen and check my heart. And lately, my heart has been in a tough place. Running from thing to thing has worn me thin. Grieving losses both here and back in the US has taken it’s toll. But I was carrying it all and trying to plow forward because there are so many tasks to do, who has time to pause long enough to listen to the stirrings of their soul?
And the clutter. Oh my. There is stuff everywhere and getting everything into its proper stack in s a challenge. We have thrown out so much that I’m sure the trash walla is going to insist we give him a bonus, which he probably deserves.
But it’s not the clutter, or the losses, or the too-much-togetherness that’s the problem. The problem is my heart and how I try to carry it all on my own and I wasn’t made to do that.
And of course Jesus isn’t going to pack my suitcase, though I’d definitely love that at this point, but he does have a plan and he does care about the details. We had thrown it out there a few weeks ago about selling our car, and got far in the process with someone, but he couldn’t make it work in the end. So we were left with 10 days and a car to sell. We prayed with the kids before school and asked others to pray too. Tonight we have a family ready to buy it next week. Perfect timing.
There have been many such situations where God’s provision came at the right moment and it reminds me that I don’t look at things like that with the wonder I ought to. I don’t see all the little things God does on my behalf because I’m often too busy praying for the big things and how I want them to turn out. And after so many years you’d think I’d understand this dependence/faith thing a little bit better. But alas.
We have one week left in our apartment. This has been the perfect home for us, provided at the time we needed it. It is hard to imagine the next phase of life, truly. Every time we’ve gone to the US it was with the knowledge we were simply visitors– the shift in perspective is going to take some time. But with every new journey, there is also a hint of excitement at possibilities and the surprises that God has ahead. And it’s that feeling that I want my soul to sit and soak in right now.