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It’s been three weeks since we left the hospital with baby H and life with a newborn is, well, much like I remembered. Only it seems harder. Perhaps because now there the new guy and the four others, one of which is not too happy to be replaced as the baby. Yes, our little S is having a tough time coping with being a bigger brother and not the baby anymore. And from all I’ve read it’s normal. But normal doesn’t mean easy, at least not in this instance.

Somehow we’re making it though. God must give moms some special grace to be able to survive on 4-5 hours of sleep for extended periods of time. How long can this work? I’m not sure. But I’ve done this before and somehow survived. Somehow.

And by some miracle I survived another birth, even with scary low blood pressure after the epidural and a baby that did not want to move from his comfy spot and came out sunny-side up. Every story has been different. And none have been as easy as I’d like.

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Have I mentioned I love baby toes? Is there anyone who doesn’t?

The emotions are higher now than I recall. Maybe that’s because life feels more fragile, more uncertain than ever. It sort of feels like I’ve got enough grit for one day at a time and that’s about it. Never mind I’m supposed to be running a little company– designing jewelry and making rational decisions about what to do next. Honestly, it feels like a lot at the moment just to get a shower and make sure the other kids get some sort of meaningful interaction from me.

But I know in this very tender and fleeting space I need to give myself room to breathe, rest and reflect (though I haven’t quite figured out how to do this properly yet). I did plenty of this with my first child, but it seems there is such little space for simply being still with our fifth one.

So here we are–three weeks into our new lives as parents of five. Still figuring out how it all works and still a little in awe that Baby H, who accidentally smiles all the time, is actually ours.

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